... kind of getting in focus ...

my mind is not so cluttered anymore. i'm beginning to see some clarity in my vision, physically and mentally. i was very emotional last time when i could not focus on what i will do in the future. i was scared. my confidence was on the low-end. i think i was about to get sick physically. i was on the verge of just running away for awhile and forget everything. although, i would like to do that in the future just to keep my sanity. i have to re-do my list though so i will be more focused and organized.

i have been searching the net for art residencies. hopefully, i'll be able to get in one. but, first, i have to fix my portfolio and start painting again. i found my art materials again - paints, brushes and stuff. they were in a box in our storage room. they were getting a bit dusty and literally had some cobwebs already. as for my stretched canvasses, i have two available already but i have yet to inspect them and maybe re-prime them. they are very dirty already. i think once i start holding my brush and start painting, everything will come back to me bit by bit. i had set some goals for myself a long time ago and i'm very far behind, about 2-3 years! too long! have to start moving again and pursue my dreams again. i stopped painting when i got disillusioned about the artworld here. there was a lot of politics. you have to play around with the people who are "moving" the artworld. i felt like a puppet. i could not do what i wanted to do because i felt they were dictating what i should be doing. i lost myself. its been 3 years since i did any work/painting. now, i'm determined to paint again. i have to move on Now! time to do my own thing without any dictators.

.. between reality and dreaming ...

i have been managing our provincial branch for more than a month now and its kind of rejuvenating at first. but, now, i'm kind of getting bored. i know i should have more time for myself (which is a LOT!) and more time to do the other things that i wanted to do again. but, i'm lacking the motivation. i'm sooo.. lazy! i want to get out more instead of just staying home. the thing is, eventhough i dont have a lot of things to do, my mind is very cluttered. my mind is out of focus. physically, even my vision is blurry now. i know what i want to do. i just dont have the courage to start. my mind keeps rambling on and on and on about different things that are going on with my life. i should list them down, wait, i have listed them down but i just keep staring at some of the things in my list. some i have done already, and the others... i dont know. maybe there's boredom mixed into it and a bit of loneliness. hmmm... loneliness? i don't know. maybe i am just truly bored.

i have to focus now. i feel like i am between two worlds and everything's a blur. my vision should come in focus soon. it should or i would be in limbo for awhile. and that's not a good place to be in.

... Matt's Outtakes ...

some of the behind-the-scenes happenings in his previous videos. really funny!

... Where The Hell Is Matt? ...

he has finally finished his video. such an amazing video by such an amazing guy!

Kudos to you Matt!

Tagaytay, Philippines was included in his itinerary. Enjoy the video everyone!

... Dream Over...

i think the dream is over. the pursuit is over and he has found another to chase. the flavor of the month has ended. he does not even make an effort to look at my direction anymore. tsk.. tsk.. tsk.. nothing to see here anymore. it should not make much impact on me because i have prepared myself for this. so, why do i feel this pain in my chest? ... .. . . . . .

... unfathomable...

i feel like my heart is breaking but i don't understand it. if only things weren't so complicated. why does it feel like this? i can not comprehend this feeling. i know i'm an emotional person and i love giving love and receiving it. but, i just cannot comprehend this kind of love that you give to another, the one that you would potentially call your "significant other". its unfathomable for me. i dont understand it. or maybe i refuse to understand it. i'm so used to being single forever that i am not able to comprehend having another person "attached" to me. its a mixture of different feelings, of happiness and sadness at the same time; of elation and frustration. maybe, i would understand it soon, when i find the "right one" as they call them. only time can tell. right now, its confusing for me.

...frustrations and vacations...

living....

i am a bit frustrated today. i think its because of my being moody lately. i'm kind of getting restless again. i want to get out. i feel so confined. i feel like all eyes are on me (even though this is not true!). i think i'm a bit pressured now. or i'm just getting tired with what seems like routine for me already. i cant talk to our customers easily lately because i'm afraid of what i might say. i'm kind of getting sarcastic again. i take offense to even small things that are being said. although, i am still trying to be calm and collected. i have to because i might hurt someone or our store if i don't do that. i might react in a big way to petty frustrations and that's no good.

i want to do different things already but i am tied down to my obligations at the store. i started reading that numerology reading for me and it was kind of inspiring and kind of wearisome at the same time. but, i am okay with it. i just have to go with what life has been throwing me. i've been doing that my whole life. i need to get out soon or i'm going to burst!

living part two...

i just had my vacation a few weeks ago and i loved it. of course, it didnt go smoothly all the way. however, i still had a lot of fun in the sun! hahahaha.... we were in Boracay for 4 days and the place is still wonderful! gorgeous beaches, amazing sunsets and wonderful sun! i finally got my tan! yahoo to that! i've always wanted to have a tan again. i don't want to be pale-looking anymore. i'm tired of everyone telling me that i am so light-skinned (although they are telling this in a positive way.) i just wanted a change.

Again, Boracay was great! i'd love to go back there soon. but this time, i would like to go back there with my sis, bros and cousins so it would be more enjoyable.

dreaming....

that i am in Singapore now (which i will be in july this year), talking with one of my best friends, who relocated there a few months ago, chatting away and having a blast. laughing till our stomaches hurt, sipping some drink (coffee or something cold), doing some sight-seeing, shopping and eating and eating and eating! hahahaha.... (nah! have to watch what i am eating now).

*sigh*