i was reading one of my old journals yesterday and i came across on this one entry i wrote dated March 21, 2007. i just had to place it here after i have written somewhere here in my blog that i don't understand this kind of "love" that you give to another person other than a family or a friend. i still do not understand it totally but i am getting there especially now that i have been experiencing it in an intense level in the present. there's something written about courtship too. i know i sound like i'm talking about something scientific or whatever. but, this is how i talk, for now. i am editing some parts of what i have written in my journal but generally, it's the same entry.
this one i wrote when a guy was courting me back then. turns out he was a jerk. i thought he was nice and a bit of a challenge. i was totally wrong. he was just one of those insecure jerks. good thing i busted his a**! hehehe...
and, now here's another guy who is courting me. he is still a challenge for me but, i think he is the real deal. and i kind of remembered him when i read this old entry.
this is kinda mushy so be prepared. i can't believe i wrote this either because i get queasy when i am the one writing or saying those mushy words. hehehe...mush-fest! so, here it goes:
i'm getting confused and tired with this game called "courtship", or is it "love"? i don't think courtship is for me. its a game that i don't have any patience. of course, not all of the process of courtship i don't like. there is this getting-to-know-each-other stage. i like that because i'd like to know who that person is. is he someone who would cherish me or us forever or would he just play around? does he truly love me or he just loves himself? would i love him eventually or not? would we jive together or not? those essential things when we are together.... the details. but, otherwise, the game of courtship is not truly enticing to me after i have just experienced it with this certain "playing guy". its very confusing. its fun in the early stage, but, eventually it gets tiring. i loose patience. of course, on the part of the man, i can get it when he doesn't tell in the first few days or weeks because there is this fear of rejection (or he is just playing). so, he doesn't tell first. but, if it continues for months, and he seems like he's just playing intensely, it gets tiring. he thinks its cute, but its not...not really.
but, then again, when emotions come in, that's a whole new ball game. it complicates things further. it becomes an emotional and psychological rollercoaster! you don't know if you're going left or right, up or down, or sideways. it blurs your mind and lets your heart wreak havoc on everything; your principles, your routine, everything! you'd think there would be no solution to this chaos. there would be many sleepless nights or just smiling by yourself when you think no one is watching. should you go or not? get swayed by this flood of emotions or not? and you keep thinking and thinking but reason and logic are already lost in this flood and chaos. what do you do? what will you decide? what is it that is making you go crazy? this is not me at all. and then, you see it! you get it!
Love. Love is the culprit.
You know when you are just playing.
But, when Love is involved, everything
just seems to blur and you feel like you're
either walking on clouds or hot coals.
You feel it everywhere!
It touches you in the most simplest places in
your being.
You'll feel like being lost in that heavenly emotions.
No words can describe it yet you'll feel like you'd
like to put it into words, into poetry, maybe a song.
You'll feel like singing all the time and just fly or float
on air.
Be everywhere and spread your wings, spread yourself
and share it to everyone.
Drown them in it so they'll feel what you're feeling so
they'll understand and they can share it to anyone
they meet.
It feels wonderful and yet disheartening.
Love. It boggles the mind.
No one truly understands it.
And yet everyone wants it and needs it.
You'd like to spread it like the smooth
and creaminess of butter on toast.
Or just licking off that sweet, white icing
on your fingertips.
It could also be sensual that you don't know
what to do with it, as it arouses you to
high heavens.
Making your heart beat faster.
Always wanting to touch something, someone,
somebody... to be nearer, to be closer.
there! i couldn't really end it because it was getting too sensual. hahaha... but, definitely, the words i've written here are what i am feeling when Love comes knocking. i hope this present guy is truly real. i'm ready to take a risk again. if i get hurt, i'll just stand up again and move on. and if/when this is real, then, good for us. (^_^)
this one i wrote when a guy was courting me back then. turns out he was a jerk. i thought he was nice and a bit of a challenge. i was totally wrong. he was just one of those insecure jerks. good thing i busted his a**! hehehe...
and, now here's another guy who is courting me. he is still a challenge for me but, i think he is the real deal. and i kind of remembered him when i read this old entry.
this is kinda mushy so be prepared. i can't believe i wrote this either because i get queasy when i am the one writing or saying those mushy words. hehehe...mush-fest! so, here it goes:
i'm getting confused and tired with this game called "courtship", or is it "love"? i don't think courtship is for me. its a game that i don't have any patience. of course, not all of the process of courtship i don't like. there is this getting-to-know-each-other stage. i like that because i'd like to know who that person is. is he someone who would cherish me or us forever or would he just play around? does he truly love me or he just loves himself? would i love him eventually or not? would we jive together or not? those essential things when we are together.... the details. but, otherwise, the game of courtship is not truly enticing to me after i have just experienced it with this certain "playing guy". its very confusing. its fun in the early stage, but, eventually it gets tiring. i loose patience. of course, on the part of the man, i can get it when he doesn't tell in the first few days or weeks because there is this fear of rejection (or he is just playing). so, he doesn't tell first. but, if it continues for months, and he seems like he's just playing intensely, it gets tiring. he thinks its cute, but its not...not really.
but, then again, when emotions come in, that's a whole new ball game. it complicates things further. it becomes an emotional and psychological rollercoaster! you don't know if you're going left or right, up or down, or sideways. it blurs your mind and lets your heart wreak havoc on everything; your principles, your routine, everything! you'd think there would be no solution to this chaos. there would be many sleepless nights or just smiling by yourself when you think no one is watching. should you go or not? get swayed by this flood of emotions or not? and you keep thinking and thinking but reason and logic are already lost in this flood and chaos. what do you do? what will you decide? what is it that is making you go crazy? this is not me at all. and then, you see it! you get it!
Love. Love is the culprit.
You know when you are just playing.
But, when Love is involved, everything
just seems to blur and you feel like you're
either walking on clouds or hot coals.
You feel it everywhere!
It touches you in the most simplest places in
your being.
You'll feel like being lost in that heavenly emotions.
No words can describe it yet you'll feel like you'd
like to put it into words, into poetry, maybe a song.
You'll feel like singing all the time and just fly or float
on air.
Be everywhere and spread your wings, spread yourself
and share it to everyone.
Drown them in it so they'll feel what you're feeling so
they'll understand and they can share it to anyone
they meet.
It feels wonderful and yet disheartening.
Love. It boggles the mind.
No one truly understands it.
And yet everyone wants it and needs it.
You'd like to spread it like the smooth
and creaminess of butter on toast.
Or just licking off that sweet, white icing
on your fingertips.
It could also be sensual that you don't know
what to do with it, as it arouses you to
high heavens.
Making your heart beat faster.
Always wanting to touch something, someone,
somebody... to be nearer, to be closer.
there! i couldn't really end it because it was getting too sensual. hahaha... but, definitely, the words i've written here are what i am feeling when Love comes knocking. i hope this present guy is truly real. i'm ready to take a risk again. if i get hurt, i'll just stand up again and move on. and if/when this is real, then, good for us. (^_^)
