... old journal entry on love and courtship ...

i was reading one of my old journals yesterday and i came across on this one entry i wrote dated March 21, 2007. i just had to place it here after i have written somewhere here in my blog that i don't understand this kind of "love" that you give to another person other than a family or a friend. i still do not understand it totally but i am getting there especially now that i have been experiencing it in an intense level in the present. there's something written about courtship too. i know i sound like i'm talking about something scientific or whatever. but, this is how i talk, for now. i am editing some parts of what i have written in my journal but generally, it's the same entry.

this one i wrote when a guy was courting me back then. turns out he was a jerk. i thought he was nice and a bit of a challenge. i was totally wrong. he was just one of those insecure jerks. good thing i busted his a**! hehehe...

and, now here's another guy who is courting me. he is still a challenge for me but, i think he is the real deal. and i kind of remembered him when i read this old entry.

this is kinda mushy so be prepared. i can't believe i wrote this either because i get queasy when i am the one writing or saying those mushy words. hehehe...mush-fest! so, here it goes:

i'm getting confused and tired with this game called "courtship", or is it "love"? i don't think courtship is for me. its a game that i don't have any patience. of course, not all of the process of courtship i don't like. there is this getting-to-know-each-other stage. i like that because i'd like to know who that person is. is he someone who would cherish me or us forever or would he just play around? does he truly love me or he just loves himself? would i love him eventually or not? would we jive together or not? those essential things when we are together.... the details. but, otherwise, the game of courtship is not truly enticing to me after i have just experienced it with this certain "playing guy". its very confusing. its fun in the early stage, but, eventually it gets tiring. i loose patience. of course, on the part of the man, i can get it when he doesn't tell in the first few days or weeks because there is this fear of rejection (or he is just playing). so, he doesn't tell first. but, if it continues for months, and he seems like he's just playing intensely, it gets tiring. he thinks its cute, but its not...not really.

but, then again, when emotions come in, that's a whole new ball game. it complicates things further. it becomes an emotional and psychological rollercoaster! you don't know if you're going left or right, up or down, or sideways. it blurs your mind and lets your heart wreak havoc on everything; your principles, your routine, everything! you'd think there would be no solution to this chaos. there would be many sleepless nights or just smiling by yourself when you think no one is watching. should you go or not? get swayed by this flood of emotions or not? and you keep thinking and thinking but reason and logic are already lost in this flood and chaos. what do you do? what will you decide? what is it that is making you go crazy? this is not me at all. and then, you see it! you get it!

Love. Love is the culprit.
You know when you are just playing.
But, when Love is involved, everything
just seems to blur and you feel like you're
either walking on clouds or hot coals.

You feel it everywhere!
It touches you in the most simplest places in
your being.
You'll feel like being lost in that heavenly emotions.
No words can describe it yet you'll feel like you'd
like to put it into words, into poetry, maybe a song.
You'll feel like singing all the time and just fly or float
on air.
Be everywhere and spread your wings, spread yourself
and share it to everyone.
Drown them in it so they'll feel what you're feeling so
they'll understand and they can share it to anyone
they meet.
It feels wonderful and yet disheartening.

Love. It boggles the mind.
No one truly understands it.
And yet everyone wants it and needs it.

You'd like to spread it like the smooth
and creaminess of butter on toast.
Or just licking off that sweet, white icing
on your fingertips.

It could also be sensual that you don't know
what to do with it, as it arouses you to
high heavens.
Making your heart beat faster.
Always wanting to touch something, someone,
somebody... to be nearer, to be closer.

there! i couldn't really end it because it was getting too sensual. hahaha... but, definitely, the words i've written here are what i am feeling when Love comes knocking. i hope this present guy is truly real. i'm ready to take a risk again. if i get hurt, i'll just stand up again and move on. and if/when this is real, then, good for us. (^_^)

... message from the heavens ...

i just want to share this to anyone who is willing to read it. very touching! i got this from another blog, titled infinity. please do visit her blog. she's such a wonderful writer and her entries are insightful and funny. read on.

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Effective Immediately : please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines

1. QUIT WORRYING: Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST: Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can ‘ t help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all… God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME: Once you ‘ ve given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE: Don ‘ t wake up one morning and say, “Well, I ‘ m feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here.” Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It ‘ s simple. You gave Me your burdens and I ‘ m taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don ‘ t you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME: I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I ‘ m in control. But there ‘ s one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don ‘ t forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH: I see a lot of things from up here that you can ‘ t see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I ‘ m doing. Trust Me; you wouldn ‘ t want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE: You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven ‘ t heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT: I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND: Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF: As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only — to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don ‘ t ever forget……

Note: I received this from a friend and I have no idea who wrote it, but I was so touched by it, that I had to share it with you. I hope that you will be blessed by it and will share it with others.

Touch someone with your love. Rather than focus upon the thorns of life, smell the roses and count your blessings!

... regret or not ...

i try to live my life without regrets. and so far, i have not regretted one thing that has happened in my life. although, i have lived in a cautious way, everything seems to turn out just the way it should be, for me anyway. just the right pacing and at just the right time. just when i thought that i am being left behind, eventually, i see the purpose of it. in the end, i have learned from that particular experience. when i am confused about certain things and situations, i always ask around. do my "research" and either follow the facts or follow my instincts or follow both if they jive together. they all have consequences whichever i choose to follow and i deal with them. so far, most of what i have imagined my life would be, i have already experienced or am going thru them now.

however, i do see that i do regret some things that i didn't do earlier:

one, is i lived my life too cautiously. (but then again, if i didn't, i would not have learned to let go and decide on my own little by little.)

two, i could have been more diligent and more hardworking so i could have saved more and have done more. (then again, i would have become sick always from too much work. and i would not have enjoyed the time i spent with my family and friends.)

three, i could have had those voice lessons that i've always wanted to take. and the guitar and flute lessons too. yeah, i should have done that earlier. good thing that i was able to have some piano/organ lessons. and now i am trying to learn to play the guitar (my staff is helping me). now, for those voice lessons... hmmm... i think i can make it next year. definitely, will take those voice lessons....

... Your Universe by Rico Blanco ...

i can't help myself from playing and playing this song and MTV of Rico Blanco's Your Universe. you can't help yourself but fall in love with this song. here is his video of Your Universe.

here are the lyrics for Your Universe:

Tell me something
When the rain falls on my face
How do you quickly replace
It with
A golden summer smile?

Tell me something
When i'm feelin' tired and afraid
How do you know just what to say
To make
Everything alright?

Chorus:
I don't think that you even realize
The joy you make me feel when i'm inside
Your universe
You hold me like i'm the one who's precious
I hate to break it to you but its just
The other way around
You can thank your stars all you want but
I'll always be the lucky one

Tell me something
When i'm 'bout to lose control
How do you patiently hold
My hand
And gently calm me down?

Tell me something
When you sing and when you laugh
Why do i always photograph
My heart
Flyin way above the clouds?

... best in the morning ...

i woke up very early in the morning today. i turned on my laptop and started writing an email for my friend. and i surfed the net just a bit. after that, i went to the bathroom to finally wash up my face. and i suddenly remembered those surveys or quizzes that you get thru email or Friendster or blogs where they asked, what part of the day do you feel/look best? I didn’t quite know what or how to answer that question. I know, for some it’s quite mundane and probably a silly question to ask and actually to reflect on. but, when I saw myself in the mirror this morning, I just had this reflective feeling with a mixture of eureka! mixed in. it wasn’t like an earth-shaking experience but just a realization of myself. when I saw my reflection in the mirror, that question popped inside my head. I think I know the answer now. I feel/look best in the morning. I truly feel that. Even with those morning crisps (muta. hehehe) in my eyes, those baggy eyes, and dark circles around them. Lips that are a bit chappy. but, my eyes! my eyes were awake and thoughtful. that’s the real me. no pretensions. no make-up. no blow-dried hair. Although, I rarely do that. Its hard work, blow-drying ones hair. (hahaha) I was just being me. Simply Me. and I liked what I saw. I was still pretty being like that. I’m not being vain or anything like that. it was a realization that I still looked okay and probably the best by being simply me.

... on His plan for your mate ...

i got this from my friend's blog where she got it from her friend too. it inspired me and got me thinking that the waiting that i've been doing is truly worth it when in the end i would have the Perfect kind of LOVE that i've been looking for.

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ON HIS PLAN FOR YOUR MATE

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to a deep relationship with someone, to be loved thoroughly, and exclusively. But God to a christian says,

"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and contented with being loved by Me, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with one another until you are satisfied with Me, exclusive of any other desire or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing. Allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the best! Please allow Me to bring it to you. Just keep watching Me, expect the greatest things, keep listening, and learning the things I tell you. You just wait...that's all...don't worry...Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at the things you want. Just keep looking off and away, up to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you. And when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a LOVE far more wonderful than you can dream. You cannot see it until you are ready ...and until the one I have for you is ready. (I'm working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time). Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me...and the LIFE I have planned for you...you won't be able to experience the LOVE that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and is thus PERFECT LOVE. I want to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me to enjoy materially and completely the Everlasting union of beauty, perfection and Love that I offer you. Know that I LOVE YOU utterly, believe and be satisfied..."

Visit her site: Monina's Site

... lost and hidden ...

a thought.....

did you see me? no, i don't think anyone would see me. i'm good at hiding. being hidden is sometimes good. no one would bother you. you'll have the freedom to move around and no one would care. but, would you like that? like to have no one care for you? won't that be lonely? would you like to be alone? it won't be forever, right? being alone? did you choose to be alone? would that make you happy?

no, i don't want to be alone. but, sometimes, i have to be left alone for awhile. to find some time to think. to find myself. to be who i really am. to be the real me. i don't want to hide anymore. but i lost myself somewhere while living. now, i'm having a hard time looking for my pieces. where have i left me? where have i lost me? please understand. when i do leave, please do not look for me yet, for i will come back for sure. i just needed to look for me out there. i need to complete myself. i hope i will recognize myself when i'm complete. i promise i will come back. but, i also hope that you will recognize me too and not judge me for who i really am when i come back. because i don't want to hide anymore. it's so lonely being hidden. i don't want to be alone anymore.

... jason mraz: we sing, we dance, we steal things ...

i cannot sleep. i'm going to babble on again. my mind is so awake. i've got a lot of thinking to do. so please be patient with me. i just can't stop writing. my train of thought is everywhere so just read on at your own risk.

i'm listening to Jason Mraz' new album now, "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things" and he's done it again. he's just amazing! i am still astounded at how good he is at writing those words, pure poetry. and the melodies and his voice? so, great! i especially love the track "Details in the Fabric" featuring James Morrison. i feel the sadness and a hint of hope in it. this is his best album yet, i think. i felt a lot of powerful emotions listening to this album. the album felt like i was riding a rollercoaster. after listening to the whole album, you cannot help yourself but repeat the whole thing again. its quite addictive! it's as if you're with him, beside him, experiencing whatever he went through when he did this. it's just incredible!

... wasabi ...

i just read a blog post about ice cream, and oh, how i love ice cream! if it wasn't for my being lactose-intolerant, i would be eating ice cream almost every day. there's something comforting about eating ice cream. i love its texture and this smooth and creamy feeling that it leaves in my mouth. i love how it is so soothing and relaxing. it should have the right sweetness, creaminess and temperature and its perfect! my favorite flavours are coffee, green tea and vanilla. i know, i know. those are boring flavours. but, i don't like too much trimmings with my ice cream, like sprinkles, brownies and stuff. though, i love nuts and unusual flavours with my ice cream. however, i must admit, i have not been that adventurous with the flavours. but, i have always wondered if there is a wasabi-flavoured ice cream out there? or maybe just a hint of it? i love wasabi! what kind of sensations would it induce? maybe i could mix it up with vanilla or any nut-flavoured ice cream like macadamia? hmmm... maybe i should try it. time to experiment!

... ingrid michaelson ...

i finally have the Girls and Boys album of Ingrid Michaelson!

i've been waiting for months to get this album. its not available here in the Philippines that's why i had to wait for my sister to send me one from the US, and it's worth the wait. i've been listening to it thru my mp3 player for 3 straight days. i love "The Way I Am" and "Breakable"! her voice is very refreshing to hear and her music, well, pleasant to the ears.

here is the lyrics to one of my faves:

The Way I Am

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

visit her site at Ingrid Michaelson

... restless ...

i just felt restless suddenly. there have been some events in my life that got me thinking. there have also been some events happening with some of my friends' lives and they have affected me in both positive and negative ways. one is about love... receiving and giving it, unconditionally. and the other is about career... living your dream successfully. i feel like everything is delayed for me. or i just simply stopped and took on a different direction. but, i know i wanted these things that i have now, the experiences and the knowledge. i just feel like i'm in slow motion. i know i pushed that button because of the past events that happened in my life. but, now, it got me all frustated because now i see that i'm being left behind. i don't feel regret though. no, i don't think this is regret. i just don't like to be left behind. it isn't too late for me, right? i can still move on. i can still do the things that i wanted and needed to do, my passions and my dreams. the avenues are there. i just have to look for them and actually act on them. i must think things through and have courage.

the other thing that has affected me so much right now is the direction of this "lovelife thing." where is it going? and why do the "wrong guys" keep coming to me? why do i say "wrong guys"? because they either have girlfriends or wives already. (please, stay away from me! go home to your wives and be with your girlfriends and stay there!) it was easier for me before when i didn't think about finding someone in my life, a partner, maybe a husband. i've always thought that i didn't need someone beside me. but, now, the gate has been opened and the flooding begins. i don't want to think about it but the idea keeps knocking on my head and possibly my .. ehem.. i can't even write it down, hmm... ok, my heart! there! i said it! *sigh* sometimes, i just don't want to go out or i'll stay in one place (which i usually do) so no one will catch me. i'll just run and do the things i want to do. no one will see me... just my trail. if anyone catches me, i hope he'll be ready for me. and hopefully, i'll be ready for him too.

... my dream: batanes ...

when I saw a feature on Batanes when I was in high school (waaayyy back), the images of that place never left my mind. i've always dreamt i would go there, someday. maybe live there, even for a short period of time, on my own. when i saw it, i felt like that place was magical. i felt like i would feel free there. as if, no one would care and let you be. no judgement, no pretenses. just being one with nature and being one with everything. i may just be romanticizing Batanes, but i truly think it is a wonderfully beautiful place.

that dream still hasn't left my mind. i feel like i am craving even more to go there. its a place to escape and maybe even a place to finding one's self. i think it is a need for me now to go there. i need to go there, soon. maybe i'll find what i have been searching for so long ... myself.

... kind of getting in focus ...

my mind is not so cluttered anymore. i'm beginning to see some clarity in my vision, physically and mentally. i was very emotional last time when i could not focus on what i will do in the future. i was scared. my confidence was on the low-end. i think i was about to get sick physically. i was on the verge of just running away for awhile and forget everything. although, i would like to do that in the future just to keep my sanity. i have to re-do my list though so i will be more focused and organized.

i have been searching the net for art residencies. hopefully, i'll be able to get in one. but, first, i have to fix my portfolio and start painting again. i found my art materials again - paints, brushes and stuff. they were in a box in our storage room. they were getting a bit dusty and literally had some cobwebs already. as for my stretched canvasses, i have two available already but i have yet to inspect them and maybe re-prime them. they are very dirty already. i think once i start holding my brush and start painting, everything will come back to me bit by bit. i had set some goals for myself a long time ago and i'm very far behind, about 2-3 years! too long! have to start moving again and pursue my dreams again. i stopped painting when i got disillusioned about the artworld here. there was a lot of politics. you have to play around with the people who are "moving" the artworld. i felt like a puppet. i could not do what i wanted to do because i felt they were dictating what i should be doing. i lost myself. its been 3 years since i did any work/painting. now, i'm determined to paint again. i have to move on Now! time to do my own thing without any dictators.

.. between reality and dreaming ...

i have been managing our provincial branch for more than a month now and its kind of rejuvenating at first. but, now, i'm kind of getting bored. i know i should have more time for myself (which is a LOT!) and more time to do the other things that i wanted to do again. but, i'm lacking the motivation. i'm sooo.. lazy! i want to get out more instead of just staying home. the thing is, eventhough i dont have a lot of things to do, my mind is very cluttered. my mind is out of focus. physically, even my vision is blurry now. i know what i want to do. i just dont have the courage to start. my mind keeps rambling on and on and on about different things that are going on with my life. i should list them down, wait, i have listed them down but i just keep staring at some of the things in my list. some i have done already, and the others... i dont know. maybe there's boredom mixed into it and a bit of loneliness. hmmm... loneliness? i don't know. maybe i am just truly bored.

i have to focus now. i feel like i am between two worlds and everything's a blur. my vision should come in focus soon. it should or i would be in limbo for awhile. and that's not a good place to be in.

... Matt's Outtakes ...

some of the behind-the-scenes happenings in his previous videos. really funny!

... Where The Hell Is Matt? ...

he has finally finished his video. such an amazing video by such an amazing guy!

Kudos to you Matt!

Tagaytay, Philippines was included in his itinerary. Enjoy the video everyone!

... Dream Over...

i think the dream is over. the pursuit is over and he has found another to chase. the flavor of the month has ended. he does not even make an effort to look at my direction anymore. tsk.. tsk.. tsk.. nothing to see here anymore. it should not make much impact on me because i have prepared myself for this. so, why do i feel this pain in my chest? ... .. . . . . .

... unfathomable...

i feel like my heart is breaking but i don't understand it. if only things weren't so complicated. why does it feel like this? i can not comprehend this feeling. i know i'm an emotional person and i love giving love and receiving it. but, i just cannot comprehend this kind of love that you give to another, the one that you would potentially call your "significant other". its unfathomable for me. i dont understand it. or maybe i refuse to understand it. i'm so used to being single forever that i am not able to comprehend having another person "attached" to me. its a mixture of different feelings, of happiness and sadness at the same time; of elation and frustration. maybe, i would understand it soon, when i find the "right one" as they call them. only time can tell. right now, its confusing for me.

...frustrations and vacations...

living....

i am a bit frustrated today. i think its because of my being moody lately. i'm kind of getting restless again. i want to get out. i feel so confined. i feel like all eyes are on me (even though this is not true!). i think i'm a bit pressured now. or i'm just getting tired with what seems like routine for me already. i cant talk to our customers easily lately because i'm afraid of what i might say. i'm kind of getting sarcastic again. i take offense to even small things that are being said. although, i am still trying to be calm and collected. i have to because i might hurt someone or our store if i don't do that. i might react in a big way to petty frustrations and that's no good.

i want to do different things already but i am tied down to my obligations at the store. i started reading that numerology reading for me and it was kind of inspiring and kind of wearisome at the same time. but, i am okay with it. i just have to go with what life has been throwing me. i've been doing that my whole life. i need to get out soon or i'm going to burst!

living part two...

i just had my vacation a few weeks ago and i loved it. of course, it didnt go smoothly all the way. however, i still had a lot of fun in the sun! hahahaha.... we were in Boracay for 4 days and the place is still wonderful! gorgeous beaches, amazing sunsets and wonderful sun! i finally got my tan! yahoo to that! i've always wanted to have a tan again. i don't want to be pale-looking anymore. i'm tired of everyone telling me that i am so light-skinned (although they are telling this in a positive way.) i just wanted a change.

Again, Boracay was great! i'd love to go back there soon. but this time, i would like to go back there with my sis, bros and cousins so it would be more enjoyable.

dreaming....

that i am in Singapore now (which i will be in july this year), talking with one of my best friends, who relocated there a few months ago, chatting away and having a blast. laughing till our stomaches hurt, sipping some drink (coffee or something cold), doing some sight-seeing, shopping and eating and eating and eating! hahahaha.... (nah! have to watch what i am eating now).

*sigh*

Bored...

living...

i am just so bored. or maybe sleepy. or maybe tired. or maybe all of them. i have been at the store since 6:45am. and the time now is 7:05pm. i'll be here till closing time at 12:00mn because of stupidity. i totally forgot that i gave my cousin his day-off today. then i told my aunt yesterday that she can have her day-off today too. i totally forgot the date today. *sigh* so now, i have no reliever for the cashier. my mind is just going blank sometimes especially when it comes to dates. i need a rest soon.


dreaming...

i am dreaming that i am at the Spa on my birthday, being pampered and getting all those massages and stuff.... that would be totally relaxing.... haaayyy......

Headaches....

living....

my head is aching pretty badly earlier, but its subsiding now. i have been staring at the computer for about 2 hours. i have been surfing the net, browsing some news, checking my emails and other stuff. i'm kind of bored and at the same time, i'm still thinking about what some of our staff told me. it's sooooo disappointing! i'm so disappointed! i know its part of life and part of owning a business that you will encounter people, either customers or staff or suppliers and others, who are not trustworthy. i'm just so disappointed with this particular person because his work has been consistently very good. we trust him with one of our stations and with being observant of what's happening around our store. turns out, he has been doing some stuff behind our backs. stuff that are against our store policy and his attitude towards some of his co-workers is not that professional. i'll try to correct this but, it will all be upto him if he will accept his wrong doings or not and try to change for the better or not. he has toooo much pride to the border of him not noticing that he is already being hurtful to others eventhough he was the first one who started it. i am truly disappointed!

dreaming....

i am now dreaming or wishing that i am in Boracay already for that vacation that i very much need right now. i need a change of surroundings. i need to rejuvinate myself or this headache might not go away for awhile. i cant wait to go there already!

helpless....

living....

i feel so helpless. my parents scolded me for not being able to pay the rent on time. what can i do? i did all the cost-cutting i can do but there are just not enough customers. there are still a lot of expenses but we tried to lower it. my aunt and i talked about it and we're trying to do some cost-cutting schemes already and we're truly saving up for that. i am so overwhelmed with so may responsibilities! i do the operations, some of the paperworks, managing 2 stores, and doing the marketing and pr, and managing the finances. what do they expect from me pa? that i would be superwoman? goodness! sometimes, i ask myself, am i still not doing a good job doing all those responsibilities at the same time? what else do they want me to do? cut myself in 3 so they could give me more responsibilities and work to do?

i am organizing my plans now to do what i really want to do. i will eventually move away and go on my own way. i never signed up for this. but, since this is family, i am doing everything that i can do. but, they are asking too much from me. i feel like i am being abused already. seriously, if this doesn't stop, i'll go crazy!


dreaming....

in my head, i wish i were at a beach somewhere, meditating or simply relaxing. clearing my mind and finding peace. no worries even for just a few days to retain my sanity. walking slowly on the beach or laughing away with a friend or two while munching some yummy food and drinking iced teas. i just want to relax.

thinking....

maybe, the reason why i still cant sleep and feeling restless is because
my mind is still wandering around. lots of thoughts in my head....

this photo i took reflects what's inside my head today

*note: please do not copy or
use this photo without my
permission. you can use this
photo but please link my site
with this photo. thank you.

Hectic Morning....

we finished taping part of our marketing earlier this morning. it was pretty cold and very windy outside. but still, the weather was great! the sun was up. blue blue sky with specs of white
clouds. it was really wonderful to be out that early in the morning with that kind of scene. it was very refreshing! i miss that. tranquil and yet such positive vibes around us. everyone working
yet having fun. fabulous morning indeed!

one of our barista and our kitchen head was with me during the taping. it was fun for us three! we keep making up stories and just chuckling away about what will happen during the taping. hahaha... we were just standing around and yet we were having fun.

in the end, we were taped last and our "feature" will be shown this Monday. my nerves slight melted away but my barista got a little tongue-tied when we were interviewed. however, she said she still had fun. it was an experience for us three.

after that, off to make sandwiches for another taping for another establishment in our area. my friend got me to sponsor food for the taping. we were able to tour his resort. i was with another staff this time. by the time we got to his resort, it was really sunny and hot. there was just some breeze now and then. his resort was kind of interesting though. they have horses (love those wonderful creatures!), some cottages and suites, a pool, some team-building activities and lots more. it was a quiant little resort. my staff and i liked the place.

however, i just could not take it anymore. my eyes were in sleepy mode already from sleeping late (because of work) and waking up very early in the morning for the taping. i dont know how those guys (working in that network) could do it. i have to praise them for their energy, patience and work ethics. they are truly amazing! they havent fully slept in days and yet they were able to do their jobs well. and they are also very nice. such wonderful and creative people.

after all that, i got home a few hours ago and i thought i would be able to sleep because i'm so tired. but, 6 hours later, i'm still wide awake and typing away. i think i'm still restless but my mind and body are not functioning well anymore so i'm just staying home and just entertain myself surfing the net, watching videos and stuff. hopefully, i'll get really tired and really sleepy and, at last, be able to sleep soundly. but, before that, i still have to finish some work.

... sleepy...

sleep is something that am lacking.
sleep can make me think clearly.
sleep can help me relax a bit.
sleep could make me sane again.

sleep......

i need to sleep....

but, i can't. i think, i am becoming an Insomniac.

I'm Yours ... definitely Jason Mraz... I'm Yours!

From one of my favorite musicians and one of my fave songs...

*sigh*

who would not fall in love with this guy?

a long time...

its been awhile since i last posted here.
a lot has happened.
a lot of drama. a lot of comedy.
and maybe a bit of action. hehehe...

since my last post, we have already opened 2 new stores. although, one of them is just a satellite branch of an existing store. and we are about to close it down because of dismal sales. we have only been operating there since late Dec. 2007. it really isn't working out.
but, the other branch is doing really well. it could still do better, but so far, its been doing good. we're just doing our marketing blast last march. oh, this other branch we opened late January 2008. hopefully, we can find another place to put the satellite branch because we still paid a lot for that and we need to earn back the money that we invested on that branch.


however, i'm already getting tired because my sister left (with my mom) for a vacation and i have to manage all those 3 stores. good thing that my aunt is helping me and our staff are very responsible and trust-worthy that i am able to 'jump' from one branch to another without much worry. although, i'm not saying that everything is okay. there were still some minor problems that we have/had to address. i'm just getting a bit tired, physically, from all the traveling, going two stores (in the province) and one store in the metro. and doing the marketing for all the stores. i think i will burn-out soon if i dont get some rest. i am still grateful though because i am not stuck inside the store. i'm always on the road. so, yehey for that!